Hi Everybody! Hey look, I'm still alive! I think. Mostly... *laughs maniacally*
Okey dokey then, where to start?
Ciara is able to eat fish! OMG this is HUGE. AND she ate a donair! She felt queasy, but she didn't throw up! HUGE! Why? FRIKKIN' BIRTH CONTROL PILLS! She's taking baby steps, easing back into being an omnivore. And I promised that we can still do some tofu/soy meals, as she actually does enjoy them. But omg, it's so nice to be able to enjoy meat in my own home again without feeling guilty!
Kyla is working 3.5 jobs. Yup, 3.5. She's still got the main job with Fairweather, and she's Third Key at a second location. She's working at L.U.S.H., which is soaps and body products. AND she works for a catering company as wait staff. This is the girl who HATED getting out of bed before 10am.
The shop is going, and going well! Our hope/goal for the first month was that there would be enough in consignment fees to cover the rent for June, and there was! And again for July's rent. Even with the insane Spring we had and all the rain and cold. Now, here it is July 9th, and we've already hit the thousand dollar mark for sales this month, which is EXTREMELY promising. We might actually be able to recoup part of May's rent which was paid out of pocket. Leeann and I are working well together. I mean, we expected to - not like we haven't been the past few years. But this is slightly different. And after all the shite and drama of last Summer, a small part of me was worried. And there's not been any *real* issues with the guys from the shop next door. A couple of hiccoughs, like Trish coming in scoping everything out, and then blatantly copying our artists' wares or ordering them in. I'm letting Leeann handle that, as she's going to take it to Trish's mother - Shelly is the leaseholder of the shop.
And the Pagans are finding the shop, lol! No, I'm not entirely surprised. What DOES surprise me is that it isn't the Fluffy Bunny Organic Granola Posers! A guy was in today, must have been in his 60's. Ok, so he calls himself a wizard... And there was a little old granny type who complimented me on my pendulums and showed them to her friend (who was looking at the rosaries). Aside from that, there's so much positive feedback! Today, a couple of ladies were in and they said they were TOLD by someone on the boardwalk they HAD to come to our shop. *Snoopy Dance* And people will say, "You have a nice shop" to be polite. When they've just exited the shop and you hear through the open window, "That shop is cool, we'll have to go back there," that warms the cockles of your heart.
And speaking of Pagans... There's a shift in the Community - I think it's a good shift. The last few years we've all been that the mercy of young upstarts, ego driven posers, fakers... They read a book published by Llewellyn and they think they know everything, yet they still need scraps of paper to Call the Quarters. The Crones/Sages and Mothers/Fathers are fed up and are looking to take back the reigns. Deena, that's why I was asking what to do about misbehaving Free Range Children on facebook. Around here, Free Range Children refer to those who are raised with little to no guidance. Don't say no to the kid, that might bruise their wee little psyche... There are those who are power driven, who only act out of ego, who are behaving like the Free Range Children everyone tsks about but no one says anything because it would be rude and it could hurt someone's feelings and Pagans are too polite. No, Pagans are too afraid of conflict or of people getting angry. So rather than stand up and say anything, rather than go to the bad'uns (or to the Pseudo Pagan Parents) we've all kept mum and let the bad behaviours continue. We stopped going to events, we opted to practice Solitary. We've all felt the ill effects of the LACK of COMMUNITY. Our Spirituality has suffered, friendships have suffered. Even Pagan/Spiritual based business have suffered. The pendulum is swinging back, trying to find the balance. It won't happen overnight, it will take some time, but at least the right steps are being taken - and that's the important thing. It will never be what it was, it will be different. Hopefully it will be better than what we've had the last few years.
How's my social life? Menh. I've been hit on by FOUR married men. NO single guys. And the guy with the "open relationship" is still making his interest/intent known. In fact, there was a direct offer made this past weekend... After spending the afternoon with both he and his wife I have made a final decision. No. I don't care if they can both play, or that she's given him the go ahead because she likes me (which is WEIRD). I'm not going to take part in that. I need intimacy, and I need to know that someone is emotionally available because as much as I'm not looking for a relationship, my heart gets these funny ideas. When I'm intimate with someone, it's the little things. The caress of a hand, or placing a hand on a shoulder/neck/back, A random kiss. Even something as simple as having my hand on his thigh while we're going for a drive. And I can't - WON'T do that to/with someone who "belongs" to someone else. Although, I gotta thank Scott. Thanks to all this I've come to realize I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Yay me, I get another "cookie".
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Soap Box
Rehtaeh Parsons. If you've not yet heard the name, take a moment and google it. Go ahead, I'll wait.
With colours of Stubbenville, this case if very similar. Young girl who was mistreated (and that's a very pg way of putting it). Now, I will admit straight up I have not read any of the numerous news reports, nor do I know anyone involved, my information is not first hand. And the info I do have came from such a reliable source as the internet. Because it's all over the internet.
17 months ago Rehtaeh's life changed. She was sexually assaulted by 4 guys. At the time she was 15 years old, much too young to have to deal with any of this, and she tried to deal with it herself. She didn't say anything, not to her mother at any rate. The assault didn't come to light until someone posted a photo that had been taken during the assault. This is now a matter of child pornography. Police were brought in. They apparently did a bang up job of investigating things - not. No charges were brought. Rehtaeh was willing to testify, to follow the charges through. But the matter was dropped. Rehtaeh was bullied, called names, life was made miserable. She changed schools, she tried to soldier on.
Last week, Rehtaeh attempted suicide. She hung herself. Her mother found her, but it was too late. The child was still alive, but damage had been done. She was kept on life support for 2 days, she is no longer with us.
And now, 17 months after the fact, THE WORLD CRIES. The family weeps, the friends cry, social media roars, editorial cartoons are being shared, this dude in the Guy Fawkes mask has taken up the issue, and celebrities are up in arms.
Where the FUCK were all these people 17 months ago? Where was all this anger and energy when Rehtaeh needed it, needed the support? What IS it with people and the need to lock the barn door AFTER the horse has run free? It isn't as though this child stayed quiet all this time and things only came to light because of a suicide note. NO! This child came forward less than a week after it happened. Granted, it wasn't the day of, or even the day after. Much needed physical evidence was lost. But you know what? There was a fucking photo taken with someone's fucking cell phone, and it was fucking POSTED! It was SHARED! Production and distribution of Child fucking Pornography. Kids who sext with their own cell phones are fucking being charged, why not the person who took the photo of the assault? And she was 15 fucking years old! DOES STATUTORY RAPE MEAN NOTHING ANY MORE? What the hell?!?!
Police claim it was a he said/she said matter. Well yes, that's usually how rape goes, you morons! Pull your fucking donuts out of your fucking ass and do something, investigate! They didn't bring charges against the person the phone belonged to because they couldn't say with certainty who actually took the photo! I'm sorry, WHAT? Hello! It was still on their phone days later, they had to have known it was there, how else would it have been POSTED?!?!?! When that child felt the need to change schools, where were all the Bully Task Forces? Why was there nothing done, then?
WAKE THE FUCK UP, PEOPLE! This behaviour is UNACCEPTABLE!
How many more girls need to be sexually assaulted before Society Will Change?
How many more teens need to take their lives before bullying will be taken seriously?
How many more anti-bullying campaigns need to come out before people will stop it before it begins? Because really, wearing a pink t-shirt one day out of the year just won't cut it...
And I feel for Rehtaeh's parents, really I do. But where the fuck were they 17 months ago? Why cry and wring your hands now, when Rehtaeh needed it 17 months ago?
With colours of Stubbenville, this case if very similar. Young girl who was mistreated (and that's a very pg way of putting it). Now, I will admit straight up I have not read any of the numerous news reports, nor do I know anyone involved, my information is not first hand. And the info I do have came from such a reliable source as the internet. Because it's all over the internet.
17 months ago Rehtaeh's life changed. She was sexually assaulted by 4 guys. At the time she was 15 years old, much too young to have to deal with any of this, and she tried to deal with it herself. She didn't say anything, not to her mother at any rate. The assault didn't come to light until someone posted a photo that had been taken during the assault. This is now a matter of child pornography. Police were brought in. They apparently did a bang up job of investigating things - not. No charges were brought. Rehtaeh was willing to testify, to follow the charges through. But the matter was dropped. Rehtaeh was bullied, called names, life was made miserable. She changed schools, she tried to soldier on.
Last week, Rehtaeh attempted suicide. She hung herself. Her mother found her, but it was too late. The child was still alive, but damage had been done. She was kept on life support for 2 days, she is no longer with us.
And now, 17 months after the fact, THE WORLD CRIES. The family weeps, the friends cry, social media roars, editorial cartoons are being shared, this dude in the Guy Fawkes mask has taken up the issue, and celebrities are up in arms.
Where the FUCK were all these people 17 months ago? Where was all this anger and energy when Rehtaeh needed it, needed the support? What IS it with people and the need to lock the barn door AFTER the horse has run free? It isn't as though this child stayed quiet all this time and things only came to light because of a suicide note. NO! This child came forward less than a week after it happened. Granted, it wasn't the day of, or even the day after. Much needed physical evidence was lost. But you know what? There was a fucking photo taken with someone's fucking cell phone, and it was fucking POSTED! It was SHARED! Production and distribution of Child fucking Pornography. Kids who sext with their own cell phones are fucking being charged, why not the person who took the photo of the assault? And she was 15 fucking years old! DOES STATUTORY RAPE MEAN NOTHING ANY MORE? What the hell?!?!
Police claim it was a he said/she said matter. Well yes, that's usually how rape goes, you morons! Pull your fucking donuts out of your fucking ass and do something, investigate! They didn't bring charges against the person the phone belonged to because they couldn't say with certainty who actually took the photo! I'm sorry, WHAT? Hello! It was still on their phone days later, they had to have known it was there, how else would it have been POSTED?!?!?! When that child felt the need to change schools, where were all the Bully Task Forces? Why was there nothing done, then?
WAKE THE FUCK UP, PEOPLE! This behaviour is UNACCEPTABLE!
How many more girls need to be sexually assaulted before Society Will Change?
How many more teens need to take their lives before bullying will be taken seriously?
How many more anti-bullying campaigns need to come out before people will stop it before it begins? Because really, wearing a pink t-shirt one day out of the year just won't cut it...
And I feel for Rehtaeh's parents, really I do. But where the fuck were they 17 months ago? Why cry and wring your hands now, when Rehtaeh needed it 17 months ago?
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Life as I know it...
... is about to change.
Over the weekend I attended a fundraising event for a dog that needs surgery. The end goal is to reach 3000.00, and Chloe's human has raised just under 2500.00 thus far. I noticed attendance at the event was a bit on the low side, so I approached Melissa and gave her a stack of business cards & an offer. If anyone booked a Reading Party in Chloe's name, 10.00 from each paid reading would go toward the cause. Melissa promptly spread the word and by the end of Sunday I had been contacted by 2 people looking to book a party. The first one was last night.
I have spent so much time in my own circle of friends and within the Pagan/Healing community that I forgot what it's like to be around Mundanes. Even at a psychic fair, people go to those with some sort of idea of what to expect. Last night I read for 7 Virgins (if you will). Talk about nervous! Poor things never knew what hit them, lol!
Each and everyone of them took something from their reading with them, which is kind of the point. And each and everyone of them were stunned, shocked, freaked. One girl's reaction was that of a deer in headlights when I asked her why I could see her cutting herself.
As the night wrapped up late and I had missed a bus, I got a ride to the bus terminal so I could catch the next bus. 3 of the girls were in the car, and I got some great feedback. They'd all always been interested in getting a reading, but they'd heard from others about bad readings and/or fakes. They were impressed with the night and fully intend to tell all their friends. All hail the power of Word of Mouth.
Chloe's human was one of the paid readings last night, and she's hosting her own party next Wednesday. The host from last night is going to attend the party on Wednesday and get another reading. Normally I'd tell a person there's no point to get readings so close together but the reading she got last night had to do with a deceased loved one, the reading she wants to get on Wednesday will be about her own life.
Here it is 4 days after the fundraiser because listened to a nudge there are now 3 dates booked and a fourth one in the planning.
Over the weekend I attended a fundraising event for a dog that needs surgery. The end goal is to reach 3000.00, and Chloe's human has raised just under 2500.00 thus far. I noticed attendance at the event was a bit on the low side, so I approached Melissa and gave her a stack of business cards & an offer. If anyone booked a Reading Party in Chloe's name, 10.00 from each paid reading would go toward the cause. Melissa promptly spread the word and by the end of Sunday I had been contacted by 2 people looking to book a party. The first one was last night.
I have spent so much time in my own circle of friends and within the Pagan/Healing community that I forgot what it's like to be around Mundanes. Even at a psychic fair, people go to those with some sort of idea of what to expect. Last night I read for 7 Virgins (if you will). Talk about nervous! Poor things never knew what hit them, lol!
Each and everyone of them took something from their reading with them, which is kind of the point. And each and everyone of them were stunned, shocked, freaked. One girl's reaction was that of a deer in headlights when I asked her why I could see her cutting herself.
As the night wrapped up late and I had missed a bus, I got a ride to the bus terminal so I could catch the next bus. 3 of the girls were in the car, and I got some great feedback. They'd all always been interested in getting a reading, but they'd heard from others about bad readings and/or fakes. They were impressed with the night and fully intend to tell all their friends. All hail the power of Word of Mouth.
Chloe's human was one of the paid readings last night, and she's hosting her own party next Wednesday. The host from last night is going to attend the party on Wednesday and get another reading. Normally I'd tell a person there's no point to get readings so close together but the reading she got last night had to do with a deceased loved one, the reading she wants to get on Wednesday will be about her own life.
Here it is 4 days after the fundraiser because listened to a nudge there are now 3 dates booked and a fourth one in the planning.
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Happy Birthday, Stu!
I'm realizing, more and more, I don't like PEOPLE. PEOPLE as a whole are negative, vile, dark. I need that in my life about as much as I need a lobotomy. Heck, never mind *me*. That is a general statement that EVERYONE should hold as a mantra.
Of course there are INDIVIDUALS who are quite lovely and whom I adore on varying levels. Sadly, that list is getting smaller and smaller. The Darkness is spreading.
I know people change, energies change. And I know that I am growing by leaps and bounds, lots of Personal Growth going on for me these last few months (and oh so much more to come). The good thing is I LIKE the person I'm becoming, which only encourages more growth. I'm growing like a weed, lol! I'm smiling more, walking taller, taking chances. Heck, I bought a dress the other day that I would NEVER have thought to wear out in public... Not as every day wear - maybe as a costume. I bought it, and I wore it that night to a restaurant to celebrate Amanda's birthday. I looked GOOOOOD. Hawt, sexy, whatever. And I did it for ME, not because I was hoping to catch the eye of some (any) guy.
But I digress... Last night there was a birthday party. I wasn't sure if I was going to go as I was at an event yesterday and I'm usually pretty drained after those. But in the end there were doggies who were sharing their awesome energy. And I was brazenly ballzy and gave Shawn my number and it was a good day Energy Wise so I figured I'd be ok. See, the party was being held by people I like. The guest list... *sigh* Shields UP! It's like just about everyone in The Community that makes me squick is on that guest list. They are fake & spiteful, they spread the rumour(s), they know ALL the DIRT and LOVE to fill you in. They are the Vampires. But Patricia and I had an agreement. Go in, spend a bit of time, and the first one to give the signal meant it was time to GO. No muss, no fuss. Patricia had been on Stu Duty all day, keeping him out of the house while it was made ready for his party, so they had a car load. Patricia was going to drop everyone off and then come get me. Soon as she walked in the house, she altered the plans. She was NOT going to subject me to the Excessive Negativity that was Stu's Birthday Party. She ended up telling a couple of people off, Stu had to ground her out before she could drive home. And as soon as she got home she threw up.
In the course of our conversation today, one name in particular was brought up. And I came clean. This is one of those people that as soon as I'm able to I walk away. Yes, I know it makes me out to be rude and inconsiderate. But, um, it's either I walk away OR I stay put and end up saying just what I think of this person and it isn't in any way polite. And I've only ever seen her twice. I know her, know her Energy. She's sent me facebook friend requests and I've clicked ignore each time. Nope, not having none of it chuck.
Although who knows, maybe I'll be "allowed" to speak my peace more and more, this new person I'm becoming. Could be a fun and interesting year... Tickets & popcorn will be available for purchase, lol!
Of course there are INDIVIDUALS who are quite lovely and whom I adore on varying levels. Sadly, that list is getting smaller and smaller. The Darkness is spreading.
I know people change, energies change. And I know that I am growing by leaps and bounds, lots of Personal Growth going on for me these last few months (and oh so much more to come). The good thing is I LIKE the person I'm becoming, which only encourages more growth. I'm growing like a weed, lol! I'm smiling more, walking taller, taking chances. Heck, I bought a dress the other day that I would NEVER have thought to wear out in public... Not as every day wear - maybe as a costume. I bought it, and I wore it that night to a restaurant to celebrate Amanda's birthday. I looked GOOOOOD. Hawt, sexy, whatever. And I did it for ME, not because I was hoping to catch the eye of some (any) guy.
But I digress... Last night there was a birthday party. I wasn't sure if I was going to go as I was at an event yesterday and I'm usually pretty drained after those. But in the end there were doggies who were sharing their awesome energy. And I was brazenly ballzy and gave Shawn my number and it was a good day Energy Wise so I figured I'd be ok. See, the party was being held by people I like. The guest list... *sigh* Shields UP! It's like just about everyone in The Community that makes me squick is on that guest list. They are fake & spiteful, they spread the rumour(s), they know ALL the DIRT and LOVE to fill you in. They are the Vampires. But Patricia and I had an agreement. Go in, spend a bit of time, and the first one to give the signal meant it was time to GO. No muss, no fuss. Patricia had been on Stu Duty all day, keeping him out of the house while it was made ready for his party, so they had a car load. Patricia was going to drop everyone off and then come get me. Soon as she walked in the house, she altered the plans. She was NOT going to subject me to the Excessive Negativity that was Stu's Birthday Party. She ended up telling a couple of people off, Stu had to ground her out before she could drive home. And as soon as she got home she threw up.
In the course of our conversation today, one name in particular was brought up. And I came clean. This is one of those people that as soon as I'm able to I walk away. Yes, I know it makes me out to be rude and inconsiderate. But, um, it's either I walk away OR I stay put and end up saying just what I think of this person and it isn't in any way polite. And I've only ever seen her twice. I know her, know her Energy. She's sent me facebook friend requests and I've clicked ignore each time. Nope, not having none of it chuck.
Although who knows, maybe I'll be "allowed" to speak my peace more and more, this new person I'm becoming. Could be a fun and interesting year... Tickets & popcorn will be available for purchase, lol!
Monday, 11 March 2013
The Highs and Lows of the Community
You know, I thought I could escape it all once I was no longer a part of the MPGFA, or an active member of the Pagan Community. But they still manage to squeak through the woodwork, bugger them all.
I've been trying to keep to my authentic self lately. Be the Me I'm meant to be, or as close to as possible. Schultz was my buffer, so I'm learning to deal with people on my own all over again - and NOT kill anyone. Of course, it's Psychic Season again. That time of year when Winter is packed away and everyone dusts off their crystal balls and tarot cards and puts out their shingles. And you get SUCH an INTERESTING mix of people at these things, and I don't mean the attendees. There are the fluffy ones who are all Light and Love and Blessings My Sister. There are those who really should do a little more work on healing themselves before they think to offer readings to others - at the very least put their best foot forward and shower before they leave the house. In the next corner are those who smile to your face and act all sweet and friendly and then turn about and not only trash you but spread rumours that aren't even remotely close to the truth. And then those who are just plain nasty and feel they need to tear down anyone resembling competition to make themselves look/feel bigger and better. Yup, THESE are the folk in the Healing Community. Oh, and the charlatans, mustn't forget those.
Don't get me wrong, there are a few pleasant ones out there who would sooner swallow razor blades than speak ill of another living soul - the operative word being *few*.
I got used to the nasty vibes in the Pagan Community, grew to expect it, learned to evade and avoid as best I could while still remain not only a business person in the Community, but a "leading member" of it. Not sure why I expected better of the Healing Community, except that because it should be full of oh I don't know, HEALERS?
After the last event, I received a friend request from someone that I refuse to accept. Nope, not gonna happen. I've only been in the same room with this person 3 times in the last 2 years, and each time her energy is gross - not to mention that she hasn't a pleasant word to say. Catty doesn't even begin to cover it. I have purposefully walked away from her each time - and seeing as how I've only ever seen her while I'm set up at an event, that's saying something. I don't get how we can have so many friends in common, really. Maybe if it were six degrees of separation? But no, they are all one degree - and people I respect and like! Does Not Compute.
And now I'm finding out that someone is spreading rumour about a friend, saying she's using Reiki to "enhance" hexes/curses. Um, really? Reiki is about energy yes, but more specifically *healing* energy, and this rumour monger knows better.
I often wonder why the Powers That Be asked me to be one of their voices. Some days I can only shake my head and bite my tongue.
I've been trying to keep to my authentic self lately. Be the Me I'm meant to be, or as close to as possible. Schultz was my buffer, so I'm learning to deal with people on my own all over again - and NOT kill anyone. Of course, it's Psychic Season again. That time of year when Winter is packed away and everyone dusts off their crystal balls and tarot cards and puts out their shingles. And you get SUCH an INTERESTING mix of people at these things, and I don't mean the attendees. There are the fluffy ones who are all Light and Love and Blessings My Sister. There are those who really should do a little more work on healing themselves before they think to offer readings to others - at the very least put their best foot forward and shower before they leave the house. In the next corner are those who smile to your face and act all sweet and friendly and then turn about and not only trash you but spread rumours that aren't even remotely close to the truth. And then those who are just plain nasty and feel they need to tear down anyone resembling competition to make themselves look/feel bigger and better. Yup, THESE are the folk in the Healing Community. Oh, and the charlatans, mustn't forget those.
Don't get me wrong, there are a few pleasant ones out there who would sooner swallow razor blades than speak ill of another living soul - the operative word being *few*.
I got used to the nasty vibes in the Pagan Community, grew to expect it, learned to evade and avoid as best I could while still remain not only a business person in the Community, but a "leading member" of it. Not sure why I expected better of the Healing Community, except that because it should be full of oh I don't know, HEALERS?
After the last event, I received a friend request from someone that I refuse to accept. Nope, not gonna happen. I've only been in the same room with this person 3 times in the last 2 years, and each time her energy is gross - not to mention that she hasn't a pleasant word to say. Catty doesn't even begin to cover it. I have purposefully walked away from her each time - and seeing as how I've only ever seen her while I'm set up at an event, that's saying something. I don't get how we can have so many friends in common, really. Maybe if it were six degrees of separation? But no, they are all one degree - and people I respect and like! Does Not Compute.
And now I'm finding out that someone is spreading rumour about a friend, saying she's using Reiki to "enhance" hexes/curses. Um, really? Reiki is about energy yes, but more specifically *healing* energy, and this rumour monger knows better.
I often wonder why the Powers That Be asked me to be one of their voices. Some days I can only shake my head and bite my tongue.
Friday, 8 March 2013
We can make her better...
Oscar Goldman: Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster. (from The Six Million Dollar Man)
Why is it when you want to revamp something the best way to go about it is to strip down and tear apart the old? Is it really the difficult to just take out something that isn't working and leave the rest alone? That's what it feels like the Powers That Be are doing with me. It wasn't enough to change my life as I knew it, they had to totally bring me down and pretty much break me before they could build me back up.
I dislike being single for so many reasons. The main reason is the lack of companionship, not having that one person to whom you can say anything - even just discuss the minutiae of the day. That one person you know you can trust, or *should* be able to trust, at any rate. I know it sounds silly, but without having that one person I can trust, what little trust I have in others diminishes. Even the trust/confidence I gained in myself is effected. Sad thing is, it hasn't just been since Schultz and I separated that this started - it's been going on for about a year, ever since he was put on permanent nights.
My emotional/mental down turn is no longer spiraling out of control, it's plateaued. I think that reading I did the other day was a message from Above - This Could Have Been You. Okey dokey then, message received, noted, acknowledged. Time to stop the Pity Party, because I ain't going nowhere. Time to DO something, something positive. Not sure what exactly, yet. Winter is just about over, thankfully - so that will help. And I have the ad on kijiji to advertise Reading Parties. I have one scheduled for this evening, in fact.
Oh, and a little flirting with a guy I've nick named the Kilted Cutie. He and his wife separated recently, around the same time as Schultz and I did so far as I understand. This is... interesting. While there was no hope in hell of anything ever happening, I was ok with flirting with him. What was the harm? Now that we're both single? Man oh man, I time warped back to high school and he's the cool guy and I'm wearing horn rimmed glasses with my hair in pig tails and wearing a thick sweater and a shapeless skirt... No, I was never like that, but that's how it feels. Like he's out of my league. Of course Patricia and Denise have taken it upon themselves to make certain *something* happens, even if it's just a mutually beneficial back scratching. Not that I'm complaining. I just need to bring my Astral Self to the foreground, somehow.
Mark loaned me a cd, it's a Doreen Virtue one, about past life regression. Much as that woman sets my teeth on edge, I'll at least listen to it - once. *shrugs* Ya never know, right? Might even work on some things that I need to fix in THIS lifetime.
Why is it when you want to revamp something the best way to go about it is to strip down and tear apart the old? Is it really the difficult to just take out something that isn't working and leave the rest alone? That's what it feels like the Powers That Be are doing with me. It wasn't enough to change my life as I knew it, they had to totally bring me down and pretty much break me before they could build me back up.
I dislike being single for so many reasons. The main reason is the lack of companionship, not having that one person to whom you can say anything - even just discuss the minutiae of the day. That one person you know you can trust, or *should* be able to trust, at any rate. I know it sounds silly, but without having that one person I can trust, what little trust I have in others diminishes. Even the trust/confidence I gained in myself is effected. Sad thing is, it hasn't just been since Schultz and I separated that this started - it's been going on for about a year, ever since he was put on permanent nights.
My emotional/mental down turn is no longer spiraling out of control, it's plateaued. I think that reading I did the other day was a message from Above - This Could Have Been You. Okey dokey then, message received, noted, acknowledged. Time to stop the Pity Party, because I ain't going nowhere. Time to DO something, something positive. Not sure what exactly, yet. Winter is just about over, thankfully - so that will help. And I have the ad on kijiji to advertise Reading Parties. I have one scheduled for this evening, in fact.
Oh, and a little flirting with a guy I've nick named the Kilted Cutie. He and his wife separated recently, around the same time as Schultz and I did so far as I understand. This is... interesting. While there was no hope in hell of anything ever happening, I was ok with flirting with him. What was the harm? Now that we're both single? Man oh man, I time warped back to high school and he's the cool guy and I'm wearing horn rimmed glasses with my hair in pig tails and wearing a thick sweater and a shapeless skirt... No, I was never like that, but that's how it feels. Like he's out of my league. Of course Patricia and Denise have taken it upon themselves to make certain *something* happens, even if it's just a mutually beneficial back scratching. Not that I'm complaining. I just need to bring my Astral Self to the foreground, somehow.
Mark loaned me a cd, it's a Doreen Virtue one, about past life regression. Much as that woman sets my teeth on edge, I'll at least listen to it - once. *shrugs* Ya never know, right? Might even work on some things that I need to fix in THIS lifetime.
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
A contradiction of mind
One of my favorite sayings is "Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there". And it is. A maze of thoughts, bits of flashes of memory, conversations - real & imagined. I imagine everyone has a similar mind, a sign of intelligent life. Cogito ergo sum and all that. What makes us different from each other is the content, no?
Lately, a topic I keep thinking about is sex. Oddly enough this isn't fueled entirely by sexual frustration, this is something that's rattled about in my brain for what seems like forever.
I was born in 1972, pretty much smack dab in the middle of the Sexual Revolution - certainly in a time where sexual freedom was more or less common place. Sex wasn't taboo. It was on tv, used in advertising, even discussed more openly in school - even if it was inaccurate.
And thanks to gender equality, girls can do just about anything a guy can do - even pee standing up according to one of my female friends. We can ask a guy out on a date, take the lead, be just as aggressive as a guy...
So WHY in bloody hell do I have such so many hang-ups?
Oh, no doubt it can be traced back to my childhood. No father figure in the house, so any education I had regarding relationships was all on the fly. And heaven forbid there be a sexual scene during some movie my mother and I were watching. Rather than wait until I was in bed to watch the movie, Mom would watch it while I was in the room and send me out of the room at the first hint of skin. To this day I'm very uncomfortable watching scenes of a sexual nature on tv or during a movie. Needless to say, I'm not keen about porn.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not frigid. I would say my early experiences with sex were normal. I certainly enjoy sex. My views and preferences aren't "vanilla". But there's this rather dour dowager living in my head, and she's none too fond of the vulgarities of fornication. Proper ladies don't... They don't exhibit such wanton behaviour as to approach a man. Nor do they initiate intimate acts. Only harlots behave in such a manner. If she's a past life hold over, she's one I don't think I'd get on with.
I *think* I did better by my kids. I hope I did, at any rate.
Lately, a topic I keep thinking about is sex. Oddly enough this isn't fueled entirely by sexual frustration, this is something that's rattled about in my brain for what seems like forever.
I was born in 1972, pretty much smack dab in the middle of the Sexual Revolution - certainly in a time where sexual freedom was more or less common place. Sex wasn't taboo. It was on tv, used in advertising, even discussed more openly in school - even if it was inaccurate.
And thanks to gender equality, girls can do just about anything a guy can do - even pee standing up according to one of my female friends. We can ask a guy out on a date, take the lead, be just as aggressive as a guy...
So WHY in bloody hell do I have such so many hang-ups?
Oh, no doubt it can be traced back to my childhood. No father figure in the house, so any education I had regarding relationships was all on the fly. And heaven forbid there be a sexual scene during some movie my mother and I were watching. Rather than wait until I was in bed to watch the movie, Mom would watch it while I was in the room and send me out of the room at the first hint of skin. To this day I'm very uncomfortable watching scenes of a sexual nature on tv or during a movie. Needless to say, I'm not keen about porn.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not frigid. I would say my early experiences with sex were normal. I certainly enjoy sex. My views and preferences aren't "vanilla". But there's this rather dour dowager living in my head, and she's none too fond of the vulgarities of fornication. Proper ladies don't... They don't exhibit such wanton behaviour as to approach a man. Nor do they initiate intimate acts. Only harlots behave in such a manner. If she's a past life hold over, she's one I don't think I'd get on with.
I *think* I did better by my kids. I hope I did, at any rate.
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