Oscar Goldman: Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster. (from The Six Million Dollar Man)
Why is it when you want to revamp something the best way to go about it is to strip down and tear apart the old? Is it really the difficult to just take out something that isn't working and leave the rest alone? That's what it feels like the Powers That Be are doing with me. It wasn't enough to change my life as I knew it, they had to totally bring me down and pretty much break me before they could build me back up.
I dislike being single for so many reasons. The main reason is the lack of companionship, not having that one person to whom you can say anything - even just discuss the minutiae of the day. That one person you know you can trust, or *should* be able to trust, at any rate. I know it sounds silly, but without having that one person I can trust, what little trust I have in others diminishes. Even the trust/confidence I gained in myself is effected. Sad thing is, it hasn't just been since Schultz and I separated that this started - it's been going on for about a year, ever since he was put on permanent nights.
My emotional/mental down turn is no longer spiraling out of control, it's plateaued. I think that reading I did the other day was a message from Above - This Could Have Been You. Okey dokey then, message received, noted, acknowledged. Time to stop the Pity Party, because I ain't going nowhere. Time to DO something, something positive. Not sure what exactly, yet. Winter is just about over, thankfully - so that will help. And I have the ad on kijiji to advertise Reading Parties. I have one scheduled for this evening, in fact.
Oh, and a little flirting with a guy I've nick named the Kilted Cutie. He and his wife separated recently, around the same time as Schultz and I did so far as I understand. This is... interesting. While there was no hope in hell of anything ever happening, I was ok with flirting with him. What was the harm? Now that we're both single? Man oh man, I time warped back to high school and he's the cool guy and I'm wearing horn rimmed glasses with my hair in pig tails and wearing a thick sweater and a shapeless skirt... No, I was never like that, but that's how it feels. Like he's out of my league. Of course Patricia and Denise have taken it upon themselves to make certain *something* happens, even if it's just a mutually beneficial back scratching. Not that I'm complaining. I just need to bring my Astral Self to the foreground, somehow.
Mark loaned me a cd, it's a Doreen Virtue one, about past life regression. Much as that woman sets my teeth on edge, I'll at least listen to it - once. *shrugs* Ya never know, right? Might even work on some things that I need to fix in THIS lifetime.
I found you! YAY!!
ReplyDeleteOk..so now you've plateaued.. time to start heading up again. Kilted Cutie huh? Ok, you have me intrigued.. give your head a shake girl, you are smart, good looking, wise, have a great sense of humour and you'd be an awesome companion for any decent man who has a lick of sense. Regardless of whether it's just for fun or something more..
Oh, I think I'm fine with "just for fun" at the moment. *wink* There's so much going on this year that needs my attention, a "serious" relationship would have to take a back seat, and that wouldn't be fair to anyone.
DeleteI was wondering where you were. It has only been a short amount of time, Paula. Cut yourself a break. Have a little Paula time; concentrate on what you need for a change. Yup, life can purely suck when you least expect it...sighh but that's what makes warrior women, I guess.
ReplyDeleteI've had enough "Paula" time, truth be told. Schultz and I were rocky most of last year. You know you've had enough when you start taking mental stock of your dvd collection, trying to figure out what belongs to whom. And that was months before we actually did separate.
ReplyDeleteIt will be a long while before I'm to a point of indifference when it comes to Schultz, but that's because of his actions not because of our relationship. At this point, a good "exorcism" is in order. It's a great way to clear out the cobwebs.